fingers

dear god,

i hear people say that you are everywhere. that
you are all knowing and all seeing...

how many fingers am i holding up?

rewind

dear god,

the bible says that you help those who help
themselves. great!...

please pass the remote control with the
enhanced rewind feature.

see poor channel surfing

who's due?

dear god,

remember the time when i was in high school
and i promised never to have sex with my
girlfirend again if you would just make her
have her period? well it turns out she had
some kind of abnormal uterus thingy and could
neither menstrate or have babies...

so, i think you owe me one.

searching...

dear god,

there is nothing 'common' these days
about "common sense"...

what shall we rename it?

character wanted

dear god,

i've come to the conclusion that
no one is ever 'humble & ignorant',
or 'arrogant & well-rounded'...

ever notice that?

big gulp

dear god,

please bless juan valdez and tim horton's. also,
please provide juan with something other than
an ass to harvest his product...

it makes him look poor.

serenity now!

dear god,

the serenity prayer really gets under my
skin in a bad way. could you please get
rid of it for me...

or is that something you have accepted
as being beyond your power to change?

ewwwww!!

dear god,

all that "begatting" that happened in
genesis... i read it backwards...

that was pretty incestuous don't you think?

splat!

dear god,

my stock broker is losing my money
and won't return my phone calls.

please open his penthouse office
window for him.

duhhhhh

dear god,

please smite me with ignorance and pride
and remove my means for reasoning and logic.

it seems to be working for my ex.

celestial convict?

dear god,

i saw a larry king episode where an ex-con was
talking about his time in prison and how he and
many other in-mates found you during their stay?

what were you in for?

bad aim

dear god,

please bless the gun manufactuers and bullet
makers everywhere...

and blind people.

empty handed

dear god,

despite the fact that i continue to get gifts
from them, i no longer believe in santa claus
or the easter bunny.

where does that leave you?

let's reschedule

dear god,

are you only listening at 11:00 on sunday
mornings? cause i'm usually busy at that time.

can we reschedule?

where's the beef?

dear god,

if you didn't create vegetarians we would
have more burger joints.

i'll give you that one.